Saturday, April 18, 2015

AN IMAGINARY EXPLOSIVE DEVICE CAUSES OUR GREAT ARMY PERSONNEL AT PICATINNY ARSENAL TO BE SCARED SHITLESS AND RUIN THE AFTERNOON OF THOUSANDS OF WORKERS.





APRIL 17, 2015

ROCKAWAY TWP. 

Route 15 was reopened and the “all clear” was given at Picatinny Arsenal after a truck was determined not to be an “explosive threat.”

The incident investigation shut down the highway for about four hours, causing massive traffic tieups.

SWAT and marine infantry teams arrived, armed with anti-tank missiles, hand grenades and sniper rifles, just in case this was a terrorist act.  Some SWAT team members had to expense their laundry bills after brown stuff appeared on their pants when they got really scared because they thought that this was the terrorist attack they trained all their lives for.

The mandra "being safe than sorry" has created an absolutely ridiculous situation at the famed Picatinny Arsenal.

The vehicle was thought to be suspicious by security personal Friday morning after the driver tried to gain access to the U.S. Army installation through the post's truck gate at about 11:30 a.m. Security personnel treated the situation as if it was an explosive threat, Picatinny Arsenal said in a press release, no matter how insane or ridiculous the response is.  Shock and awe, anyone?

One person was detained and questioned by law enforcement officials, according to the arsenal.  The FBI, the CIA the NSA personnel from around the world all convened at the site and interrogated the poor man, including what he ate for lunch two years ago and whether the fart of his baby turtle is responsible for the unknown chemical attack on the lawn of marine corporal John Smith the other day.

After an investigation by thousands of local, state, and federal employees, no explosive threat was found in the vehicle.  It was just a box containing a cake for the surprise birthday of a soldiers’ secret love affair.

“While the truck gate will remain closed, normal operations will commence through the front entrance,” Picatinny Arsenal posted on its Facebook page at about 5:20 p.m.

Gate operations will continue through the Mount Hope gate for a limited time, the announcement said.

The suspicious vehicle caused evacuation of the arsenal and closed Route 15 in both directions from Route 80 to Berkshire Valley Road. Celeste Danzi, spokeswoman for the FBI's Newark office, said the agency responded to the incident with the Picatinny police.

All entrance to the post was halted. Arsenal employees were instructed to leave the post at 1:44 p.m.

Berkshire Valley Road was closed from Taylor Road to Route 15 and Route 15 was closed from Route 80 to Berkshire Valley while the incident was investigated.

Businesses located on Route 15 between Berkshire Valley Road and Route 80, and residences located on West Union Turnpike were also evacuated, according to Sparta police.

Rockaway Township School District was advised by officials at Picatinny Arsenal to hold students in school who would be normally transported to or past the arsenal, a representative said.

Rockaway and Jefferson schools were not locked down.

According to NBC 4 New York, the gate was locked down and employees were instructed to leave their posts shortly before 2 p.m. as robots and explosive detection devices assessed the vehicle.  All the senators and congressmen, including the president had to go to the secret bankers to minimize a potential attack by hypothetical and imaginary terrorists.  Meanwhile, another 100 of our fellow citizens got killed and 2,000 injured on the deadly US roads because this amazing congress is refusing to fund safety improvements.

Cindi Howson, of Sparta, was traveling on Route 15 south on her way to catch a flight at Newark Airport at about 1:40 p.m. when she was waved off the highway onto Berkshire Valley Road by police officers. She ended up driving through Wharton, which she described as “gridlocked.”

“Route 80 is totally backed up,” she said Friday afternoon, at about 2:45 p.m., still in the Wharton area. “Around the mall, it's a mess!” She thought at first the detour was due to road construction, and expressed hope that no one was hurt at Picatinny when told of the emergency.

Howson's flight to visit her daughter at the University of Miami was scheduled to leave around 4 p.m. She wasn't sure she'd make it, but said she would just book another flight.

“I'll get to see her no matter what,” she said.

Picatinny Arsenal is a research and manufacturing U.S. Army and Navy facility in Rockaway Township. About 6,000 civilians work at the arsenal, which provides and researches ammunition, weapons and other materials to all branches to the U.S. military. An estimated 700 Sussex County residents work at the arsenal.